In the eyes of most religions, sex and spirituality are like oil and water – they just don’t belong together. This belief has become so widespread that many think that celibacy is essential to evolve spiritually. We have been conditioned to view sex as something which is dirty. Many of us suffer from guilt that stems from engaging or even fantasising about the act of ecstatic communion with our beloved. How twisted is that?

Sexual energy was used to promote physical, emotional and spiritual development in many ancient cultures like India, Tibet and China. This precious knowledge was suppressed by organised religion as a way of control and replaced by the notion that ‘Sex is Evil’. As a result, we have a sexually confused society which is constantly at conflict with itself.

Sexual energy is the primal and creative energy of the universe. All things that are alive come from sexual energy. Maithunam paramam tatvam, shrushti stithi anya karanam (Coitus is the ultimate principle behind creation, preservation and destruction of the Universe), said Lord Shiva in the Kailas Tantra.

In animals and other life forms, sexual energy expresses itself as biological creativity. In humans, sexual energy can be creative at all levels — physical, emotional and spiritual. Sexual energy is at work in any situation where we feel creative, attraction, arousal, awakening, alertness, passion, interest, inspiration, excitement or enthusiasm.

It is time we liberate our sexuality from the chains of guilt, shame and repression to allow it to find full expression as a natural, healthy and sacred part of life. Sex can be a way of magnifying love throughout your body and to connect hearts together in the infinite radiance of the Source. Sex can be a doorway to greater love – an avenue to deeper surrender to the divine.

Sexuality expert, Dr Gina Ogden discovered that 83% of respondents reported that sexuality connects them with a Higher Power when asked what qualities sexuality involves in their lives. Almost half said that they experienced God at the moment of sexual ecstasy (which may or may not mean orgasm).

Sacred sex does not mean that you must have lots and lots of sex to get enlightened. It is about the ‘quality’ of sex. David Deida eloquently summarises it in his book ‘The Enlightened Sex Manual’, “Good artists are skilled but great artists convey an immense depth of feeling through their expertise. A good lover knows how to make the body sing but a great lover, a superior lover, evokes a vast choir of bliss. A good orgasm is satisfying but a great orgasm can be a revelation of your deepest being, unfolding the bright truth of who you are in ecstatic communion with your lover.”

Since sex is merely another activity in our daily life, it reflects our state of being. Most of us tend to bring our emotional baggage to bed: stress from work, our need to be reassured that we are loved, our history of failed relationships and sexual failure. It is impossible to have great sex unless we unload ourselves and travel light.

Our natural state is love until we get inhibited by fear. The superior lover is one who practices authentic loving as a lifestyle instead of stopping short and staying in a comfortable cage of familiar habits fed by fear. Conscious sex involves technical exercises to realign the body’s energy, clear communication, and a willingness to be vulnerable. True surrender requires an unguarded heart.

As we shine the light on all aspects of our sexuality, every challenge is seen as an opportunity to stretch open and embrace life. We have the ability to transform the haphazard flow of stimulated genital energy into a profound depth of embodied openness by undoing the kinks in our bodies and emotions.

Our bittersweet sex life is a mirror of our dilemma between our deep desire to be open and our tight grip on the ego for safety. In sex, we desire to lose ourselves completely in overwhelming bodily pleasure but we also fear this loss of control. The inability to have an orgasm is due to the fear of losing control. We need to get out of our heads and into our bodies. For a really deep orgasm, a woman must be totally comfortable with herself sexually – at ease with her body, her ever-changing emotions, as well as her vocal and bodily expressions of pleasures.

Sometimes, we hold back the spontaneous expression of love flowing through our bodies. We do this primarily by suppressing our breath. Our bellies constrict, we close our hearts and tie ourselves in knots. In order to have conscious sex, we must learn to use the breath to circulate energy throughout the body.

You can awaken your nervous system by being aware of an energy pathway that runs from your perineum (area between the genitals and the anus) up your spine, through your head and down the front of the body back to the perineum. With practice, you can achieve full union with your partner when all the channels are clear and merge as a single force of love.

“True intimacy is union between flesh and flesh, between subtle body and subtle body, between soul and soul. Sexual energy is sacred energy. When we have restored the sexual experience to the realm of the sacred, our world will be chaste and divine, holy and healed,” says Deepak Chopra.

May we all have the courage to live pleasurably and joyfully as we explore the mysteriously luscious terrain of sex!

Chim Li Yen is co-founder of The Violet Flame Holistic Shop and Therapy Centre, Bangsar. Check out the website at www.thevioletflame.com.my.