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I’ve been doing inner work/ personal development for years by now – 19 years if you want to be more precise (since the time I was aware of what this really means).
Side note: I’m not saying this as a means of proclaiming how evolved I must be then… I’m just sharing this to illustrate my below sharing. (There is no better or no worse. We are who we are and where we are at because we are unique individuals on different paths.)
Having survived two ex husbands who did psychological abuse on me and were narcissists (no need for victim story; no need to feel sorry for me; all is perfect), many people ask (myself included) when I will move on, and find love again.
In healing myself, of course, I focused on: “Love yourself before you love others”. I did everything I can and many times over including going on solo dates, solo trips, spa day, blah, blah etc. And in all that, found that love is everywhere and within ourselves. I also found that happiness and joy is a choice – and easily accessible. One can be happy without a reason, and even orgasmic without an orgasm.
So then it still came back to: when, when, when would I be able to move on – having done the purport ‘work’ on myself? Friends say it’s a matter of when. Maybe it is not my destiny. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Maybe I need to work more on myself – be more likeable, less fussy, more easy-going, blah, blah. The list is endless.
Recently I had a new epiphany… there are plenty of people (in my case, women) who don’t seem to deserve love but are well-loved. They can have a heart cold as steel, tempermental, be willful, hot-tempered, abusive, mean… (you get the picture) BUT they are still loved and in love. Let’s not talk about what they deserve but what they have – love. And so why did I need to think it is a BE that then GET?
Love is unconditional. My parents love me despite my flaws. I have loved and still love undeserving/ ‘bad’/ abusive men myself…. so why did I persist in thinking that if I were a better person I would have love (as if it is a reward)? Because it is a LIE!
I am enough. I have always been enough. I need to ‘work’ on myself because it is part of evolution. Because one cannot help but seek to grow/ learn/ develop/ transform… but it doesn’t mean I lack, doesn’t mean I am not good enough to begin with! ‘Working’ on myself has meant returning to source, to love, to my original state of being anyway.
I have been loved. I am loved. I have loved and I continue to love. I am love. So are you. I am deserving of love. You are deserving. You are deserving of love. And love is much more than in a romantic (or sexual) relationship. And we are works in evolution. Thanks for reading.
For relationship and sexuality coaching, hire me!
About Dr. Martha Tara Lee
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice for more than 10 years, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore.
Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga, From Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.
