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Several years ago, a guy I started to see and liked a lot called it quits saying he felt intuitively that I wasn’t the “right person” ending with “It’s not you. It’s me.”
Even then, I took it quite personal and wondered if I did anything wrong. Shortly after, he started to date somebody else and I was sad that he could move on so quickly. I couldn’t help comparing myself with her – what did she have that I didn’t? I found it difficult to move on.
We remained friendly. A long time later, he offered in a conversation that he dated another person after me for a year and it ended because she wanted marriage, and he (again) felt, “She just wasn’t the one.” Different person, same script.
It dawned on me that it could have been me. I could have been the one who dated him for a year only for him to be unsure if I was “the right one” because perhaps nobody will ever be “good enough” or “right”. He does seem to have other issues of his own I don’t know about and don’t care to uncover. He was right, and honest when he said “It’s not you. It’s me”!
Would I have preferred to date him for a year (drag on), or have it ended the way it did with me (couple of dates)? It was the latter! I got to focus on other stuff in life and not be led on, waiting around for him to decide what he wanted.
I tortured myself with all that second guessing. It was through this when I realised that when one says, “It’s not you. It’s me.” – they’re really doing you a big favor! When they say this, believe them, run (don’t walk!), and move on – no need to overanalyse and torture yourself. You don’t need to be with or wait for somebody who isn’t enthusiastic about you.
Life has a way of revealing the truth in the end.
For relationship and sexuality coaching, hire me!
About Dr. Martha Tara Lee
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice for more than 10 years, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore.
Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga, From Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.
