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We tend to live in a black-and-white world – things are either right or wrong; good or bad; normal or abnormal. There isn’t much space for the shades in between. This need and fixation for polarity is especially so in areas where this is much ignorance (lack of knowledge/ education) around including in sexuality.
As such, we call things we regret doing ‘mistakes’. In reality, ‘mistakes’ are things that if we had known better, we would have done differently. However how could we have known or done differently IF we were simply doing the best we could with the information/ knowledge/ resources we had? In truth, we couldn’t have done differently or better because we did not know!
Yet we beat ourselves up over the things we did, because we didn’t want to get hurt and got hurt. And because we got hurt, we blame ourselves, we think and re-think about what happened, as if obsessing about the facts could have changed anything – we “should have known” (well, we didn’t know!). What I believe we are doing is trying to protect ourselves and make sure the same thing doesn’t happen again. Over time, I believe, we can become overally guarded, closed off to life, protective, even defensive of things being a certain way.
When we are already feeling down, out and vulnerable, and life throws another one or two things into the mix… this is when we get overwhelmed, think cannot take it, and things can get really ‘bad’ – going on downward spiral, with disruptive and distracting behaviours to cope. We develop coping habits that may not actually serve us on the long term.
The ‘cure’ is to recognise what is happening, choose to let go, heal and move on fully without fear. It is when we know how to heal ourselves (armed a toolbox of healing techniques/ methods) that we can truly feel capable of handling whatever life throws us. This is called emotional resiliency – “I have survived this. I can survive anything!”.
I’ve developed a toolkit of emotional releasing techniques and called this online program Clean & Clear. I’ve decided to make these tools free and available to all because it took me a long time to learn these techniques, and they have been useful for me. I always wanted to demonstrate through my actions that it is not true nobody cares – I do.
Clean & Clear is free and you can always unsubscribe at any moment if it doesn’t feel good. Get it here www.eroscoaching.com/
About Dr. Martha Tara Lee
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice for more than 10 years, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore. She is also a Red Tent Women’s Circles Facilitator from Star of Ishtar.
Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga, From Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.
