Last Friday, I was waiting for a bus when I saw an older man with two kids sending off a woman at the bus stop. He seemed like the granddad.
What drew me to them was how the two little girls were waving furiously as the woman boarded her bus (which was also my bus) with “Bye Mom!”.
I looked at their bright shiny faces and wide smiles. She is their universe.
At that moment, they want nothing except her acknowledgement.
#unconditionallove

There is a romantic in all of us.
We need, want, and desire love.
We give love in the hopes of getting love back.
We get upset, depressed, and resentful when we don’t get what we give out back.
When we feel cheated of love – we might cry, yell, abuse, or withdraw.
We might test our partner, impose conditions, and control them out of our own fears of getting hurt.
They, in turn, might dim down their own brilliance to shut you up, and try to get along.
I often see my clients play out the roles of bully/ victim without even being conscious of it.

Contrary to belief, the bully is not happy being in control either.
Such emotional outbursts or repression by either parties can lead to numbing, resentment, and less satisfactory relationships.
While we like being the center of our partner’s universe, the reality is life does get in the way – and there is no one perfect relationship.

Couples could do better at

1) expressing their needs, wants, desires;

2) having a partner who is equally empowered to express their needs, wants, and desires;

3) both not resorting to emotional abuse/ punishment/ withhold when those needs, wants, and desires doesn’t get met;

4) being able to self-sooth and regulate their emotions.

What you can do

1) Be aware of how you’re feeling – scared, mad, numb?

2) Ask yourself why you feel the way you feel – less than happy.

3) Explore what you have tried to make things better, and why they haven’t worked.

4) Express your desire to have a better relationship with your partner
(Most couples seek help when they already have one foot poised to step out the door – which makes it very difficult to work with them!)

5) Seek support and learn skills – there are relationship workshops/ couples counselors out there.
(FYI I am a relationship counselor and clinical sexologist in practice for 8 years.)

Do something in the right direction now

In my two-part Love, Sex and Everything In-Between series I condenses everything I’ve learned as a Relationship Counselor and Clinical Sexologist over 8 years.

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About Dr. Martha Tara Lee