I hesitated to share this personal story but I’ve been encouraged to do so. I’m doing so at risk of being judged by putting myself out there (again) because it is too important a story not to share.

I agreed to hook up with somebody flying into Singapore for work. I had a rash due to a drug allergy on my face, and so I gave the person a heads-up the day before. He promised to “take care of me”, but obviously it was less about what he was willing to do, and more how I felt about myself and my health.

On the day itself, I felt I shouldn’t go ahead because with the rash, my immunity was probably compromised. He probably didn’t believe me until I sent him my face pictures of the flare up. He was really nice about it “we can just cuddle” – so nice that I felt bad, and decided I should meet him but by then, I could only meet him later that evening.

Evening came, and when we did meet up I found myself more hungry than I realised. We went up to his hotel room and tried to order room service but it seemed they weren’t serving room service anymore then (it was 9:30p.m or so). There were many eateries downstairs and I suggested we go downstairs instead.

We chatted and he pleaded about wanting to make out – I relented by making out with him a little, then tried pulling him up etc. He claimed he was too tired to go downstairs now.

It went back and forth:

Him: “Come on, I waited for you all day. Give me some romance.”

Me: “How about we get to know each other more over dinner? I want to hold your hand and have some romance…” (obviously aware that romance means different things to us)

Him: “Come on… 5 minutes.”

Me: “Unless you last 5 minutes, we know it’s not going to be 5 minutes.”

Eventually after more annoying whining from him…

Him: “Ok… 20 minutes. I promise 20… 30 minutes. After that, I’d go with you to eat.”

My physical hunger and immediate needs weren’t as important as his lust and sexual desires. He simply doesn’t care.

I was incredulous with his persistent refusals because:

• If he wasn’t going to be considerate to my NEEDS before sex, he certainly wasn’t going to be any nicer AFTER sex – most definitely NOT after he got what he wanted, and most likely going to be too tired (again) to bother afterwards.
• If he couldn’t be counted to be on his best behavior now in trying to get me to have sex with him, then how could I trust him with my BODY?
• If he wasn’t considerate of me now, he most certainly IS dangerous DURING sex. Was he going to disrespect me, force me to do sexual acts, and continue even when I say stop? Rape me?

It wasn’t going anywhere. It was about him –  his way or the highway. The person before me was different online. He deceived me so as to get me to come over and his behaviour was very telling of who he was.

I stood up, put on my shoes, held onto my bag and stood across the room from him. I needed space between us.

I was ready to run out but instead said, “Let me go eat and come back.”

This was his last chance. But subconsciously, I probably said it so he wouldn’t restrain or attack me and I could leave without a physical fight – I had already decided he was scum and I wasn’t going to have sex with him.

His reply: “If you’re going to leave me, I’m going to bed.”

There. It’s all about him.

Him: “Let’s meet tomorrow.”

Me: “I told you I’m busy tomorrow.”

He shrugged – “Let’s communicate tomorrow.”

Me: “Ok.” (with no intention whatsoever to continue to associate with this person)

I left. Then blocked him.

He wasn’t going to get a second chance. I wasn’t going to put myself in harm’s way. In fact, I’m LUCKY to have gotten away. I am, most definitely, glad that he didn’t overpower me on that sofa and rape me – because I know me – I do have a tendency to freeze.

I realised how dangerous it all was. Singapore is my country. Singapore is a safe place. And because I know my protection and rights as a Singaporean, I might take risks I probably won’t elsewhere.

However, not everybody is safe. He was ultimately a stranger.  Above and beyond all else, I need to take better care of myself – and be safe. I need to put in place more safety precautions in future.

I’m sharing this in the hopes that you:

• Ask yourself what you want out of a hook up – what level of “romance”; foreplay/ before play; sex; and after care. I had a good idea of what I wanted but it needed more talking through with the person.
• Put in place your own safety checks and measures e.g. meet for a chat at a neutral safe space before; friend on standby.
• Come up with your “tests” on the safety/ respect of the person – their ability to honor your consent, especially “stop”.
• Don’t confuse what somebody says and behaves as one and the same. Words are not cheap – they are free.
• Be ready to stand up/ exit/ leave (including hit/ fight if possible) and not be stuck in being a “nice person”.
• No need to teach/ preach/ argue. Lie if you need to get to safety.
• Always, always, always put you FIRST because YOU have to live with the consequences including the fears and risks of sexually transmitted infections.

Thanks for reading.

P.S. This is NOT an invitation for a hook-up. I don’t need any more unwanted sexual advancements than I already get as a sex educator. 

Written: 25 Sept 2022

About Dr. Martha Tara Lee