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Growing up, I used to watch drama serials where a married woman would suddenly have a different hairdo the day after their wedding. Several times, I asked my mom why and she said, “That’s because she’s married.”
Often the characters in these dramas would become worse off (not just from the new hairstyle but personality). I came upon the belief that people lose parts of themselves when married, especially women.
My mom also had a permed hairdo through my formative years, and so I grew up thinking that’s how married women are expected to look (dowdy and modest).
Ridiculous as it sounds, I woke up, checked my hair, and was relieved that I didn’t sprout some weird hairdo the day after my wedding day. True story!
It wasn’t until I came across and read the book Marriage Shock in 2013 that it made sense to me.
What I did find was I was saying and doing things that were out of character, and not even things I wanted to, but because I thought that’s what married women did. I was unconsciously acting out from all that programming of what married people do. I had to recalibrate and re-examine what I wanted and who I was aka identity crisis.
Hence this is my invite: To explore if what you’re doing is serving you, whether within or out of your marriage. Let’s not fall into doing something that doesn’t serve us just because we think that’s how things should be. That’s neither wrong nor right. What’s right is what’s right for you.
(Written on 21 Mar 2022)
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About Dr. Martha Tara Lee
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice since 2009, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore.
Often cited in the media, Dr. Lee is the appointed Clinical Sexologist for Singapore Cancer Society. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga, From Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.
