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I work with a lot of people who identify as woman who say they have low or no sex drive. There are many factors that is linked to that: stress, anxiety, childbirth, relationship dynamics, sexual attitude, lack of sexuality education, mental health, physical health condition etc.
Recently I was speaking at a sexuality workshop. At the end, a self-declared sexual wellness advocate who was attending the session shared that when somebody told her about their lack of sex desire for two years – obviously not having sexual desire now is different from never having had sexual desire.
Her response was: “Have you heard of Asexuality?”
Without getting a complete picture, this well-meaning person has completely missed the point of what Asexuality means, and gave information in a way that could make the recipient feel worse and labelled.
I couldn’t stop myself: “Please don’t go around saying that.”
The tone, in which I said it, masked the alarm that went off inside me.
She was defensive: “Obviously I did it in a safe space in a corner and no one was around.”
I’m not sure I would have reacted differently if it was anybody else saying this, but the fear of causing damage to others will remain. I feel so exasperated about the possible damage untrained people are doing to others. They don’t know what they don’t know. They are keyboard warriors researching everything and think they can start dispensing advice and offering suggestions without real knowledge of the complexities of human sexuality.
I like to suggest that you open both your eyes and take things with a pinch of salt from anybody who isn’t qualified, and look into any “experts” credentials, experience, track record and even accreditation body before seeking advice from them.
(Written on 7 April 2022)
About Dr. Martha Tara Lee
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice since 2009, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore.
Often cited in the media, Dr. Lee is the appointed Clinical Sexologist for Singapore Cancer Society. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga, From Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.
