I had a mother who used to keep saying that she became a nobody when she retired. I saw how this belief reduced her to behaving like a nobody whose power and sense of self seem to be robbed from her even though she had to be so much more than her job. She was also a mom – my mom. She was never a nobody to me.

I didn’t want to be like my mom in this aspect. I didn’t want my identity to revolve around my job, important as it is, and as passionate as I am about it. So when I became a Sexologist and supposedly became “somebody”, I did my own inner work.

I used to repeatedly ask myself, “Who are you if you’re not a Sexologist? Are you just a Sexologist? Are you more than a Sexologist? How can you be more than a Sexologist?”

I dug deep and I found my own answers: I’m a daughter, auntie, friend, lover, human…. And then there’s what makes me me – my wit, humor, intellect, knowledge, life experience, and compassion for humanity for instance. There’s innate value in every single being (and thing) and even if I accomplish nothing with my life, I’m still a somebody never a nobody. Nobody is a label I never want to reduce myself to – it’s taking away my own power and falling into victimhood.

I’ve always held onto the belief  that even if everything was taken from me suddenly one day and I couldn’t do my work anymore, that I’d still be ok because I am indeed more than a Sexologist. There are many other things I can do, many other causes I’m passionate about, and many other people I can help.

Contrary to what people might think, believe, and say about me – how I must do what I do for fame, riches, popularity, or whatever else… I’ve always known my inner truth. I do what I can to help people. One day or when I couldn’t continue, I’d be ok too knowing I did my best to help people during the time I did it.

What I do is part of who I am, but it doesn’t define who I am. I am more than what I do. There’s no way anybody can know every aspect of what makes me me and not everybody has earned the right to my inner world and thoughts. I’m perfectly at peace being my own best friend.

Because I’ve done my own inner work around my self-value, self-worth, and self-identity, I am less affected when people misunderstand me and I can only imagine how hard it can be for some people who are still finding their way to themselves, hence sharing all this publicly. I didn’t want to say all this and risk hurting my mom when she was alive. I’ve learned so much about who I want to be and don’t want to be from her – I will always be grateful.

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About Dr. Martha Tara Lee