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Years ago, I had a fellow sex educator friend visit me in Singapore. She bought a whole bunch of things, wanted to lighten her suitcase and tried to offload stuff by gifting me her vibrator. I didn’t want it and she came up with the idea of gifting it to my mom all on her own. We laughed about it but I was like, if you’re going to give it to her, you’d have to do it yourself. I made sure I was there when it happened!
Friend: “Auntie, I want to give you this.” (Holding out her vibrator)
Mom: (takes one look and immediately says) “Oh this. So small. I have bigger one.” (Proceeded to retrieve her bigger vibrator from the bedroom without our asking)
My friend and I looked at each other in amazement. We could never have guessed in a million years that this would be her reply and burst out laughing hysterically, and again when we saw her bigger vibrator.
Friend: “How’s your health?”
Mom: “Not good… dry skin. Dry everywhere. Down there too.” (She lets her guard down and her eyes wander off)
Friend: “Oh you can use lubricant.”
Mom: “I use this.” (showed her many bottles of body lotions one after another)
Friend: “No, lubricant.”
Me: “I can get it for you.”
Friend: (gently) “Do uncle and you still have sex?”
Mom: “Her father don’t want to have sex anymore.”
Friend: “Why?”
Mom: “He said not good. Don’t know if it will affect cancer. Said I need to rest.”
That day, I learned more about my mom that day than I ever did in my entire life:
1) She was a progressive woman who owned her own vibrator. She was more sex positive than I realised.
2) Right before her cancer treatments, she was still sexual with my dad which gave me hope for a happy and long sexual life for myself.
3) She was victim to the misconception around how people going through cancer cannot have, shouldn’t have or don’t want to have sex. In reality, sex through cancer (even by self and with self) helps with pain, hormonal balance and is associated with feelings of closeness, support and love.
4) She was experiencing vaginal dryness amongst other things and I, of all people, had the knowledge and resources to support her. I subsequently got her a vaginal moisturiser.
As a Sexologist, I was giving sexuality talks and support to all kinds of people including people going through breast cancer. Yet what good was all that when I couldn’t talk about sex and sexuality, and support my own mother? That day shifted things between my mom and I. We talked about sex and sexuality more openly, and this remains one of my favourite memories of my mom. I’m proud to be her daughter.
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About Dr. Martha Tara Lee
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice since 2009, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore.
Often cited in the media, Dr. Lee is the appointed Clinical Sexologist for Singapore Cancer Society. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga, From Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.
