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This article was first published for PinkLifestyle.com here.
BDSM has become increasingly popular among people to spice up their sex lives. Though it is fun, it can be dangerous if you are not prepared adequately before engaging in it. So, here are some tips for beginners about how to practice BDSM safely:
1. Aftercare is necessary to practice after BDSM:
Aftercare in BDSM refers to attention and time you should give to your partner to recover from the intense sexual sessions. If you are a beginner, you need to know about emotional and physical care to comfort your partner, as, after an intense scene, there is a drop in elevated levels of endorphins.
2. Use safe words during BDSM:
Come up with safe words during BDSM to signal your partner if things go far or you or your partner cross a boundary you did not plan. These safe words should be different from “Yes” or “No” because they are typically used in the bedroom. For example, you may use “Yellow” to proceed with care, “Green” to go on, and “Red” to stop.
3. Know about the needs of your partner before BDSM:
Communication is the key to make sex more pleasurable. So, have an honest face-to-face conversation with your partner before trying any type of BDSM. It will help you to know what you want and what your partner wants and doesn’t want.
4. Get basic knowledge about the human body:
A number of equipment, including sensory deprivation masks, ropes, handcuffs, belts, genital clamps, are used during BDSM. However, even simpler items may result in lasting damage if partners are not prepared. So before going into BDSM, have basic knowledge regarding the riskier places so ensure you are not hampering blood circulation. Especially it is vital to make sure that your partner is breathing.
Make sure to:
- Communicate with your partner and respect their boundaries
- Practice BDSM safely, and only do what you are both comfortable with
- Educate yourself on BDSM techniques and safety before attempting to practice them
- Use appropriate equipment and use it safely
- Practice with a partner who is experienced and knowledgeable in BDSM
- Be mindful of your safety and that of your partner
- Establish a safe word that can be used when either of you feels uncomfortable or unsafe
- Take breaks and take the time to check in with each other during the session
- Practice aftercare to help you and your partner transition back to reality and reconnect
- Have fun and enjoy your BDSM experience!
References:
Chavarria, S. (2018, February 9). What is aftercare? This is an important part of BDSM you haven’t seen in the “Fifty Shades” series. HelloGiggles. https://hellogiggles.com/news/what-is-aftercare-bdsm-fifty-shades/#:%7E:text=Aftercare%20is%20all%20about%20pampering%20and%20nurturing.&text=It%20is%20as%20much%20about,time%20for%20care%20is%20essential.
Glassburn, B. S. (2015, March 16). Safe, Sane, and Consensual: The Bedrock Ethics of BDSM. GoodTherapy.Org Therapy Blog. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/safe-sane-consensual-the-bedrock-ethics-of-bdsm-0316155
Smith, G. (2020, October 30). Starter Guide to BDSM: Rules, Core Values, and Words You Should Know. Greatist. https://greatist.com/connect/bdsm-for-beginners#rules
About Dr. Martha Tara Lee
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice for more than 12 years, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore. She is also a Red Tent Women’s Circles Facilitator from Star of Ishtar.
Often cited in the media, Dr. Lee is the appointed Resident Sexologist for PinkLifestyle.com; as well appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga, From Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.
