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Many years ago, a client who overcame Vaginismus (inability to have vaginal penetration) came back with her husband to thank me for my work with them and complete our last session.
She said this and I would never forgot it:
Her: “Martha.. it wasn’t what you taught us that mattered… Honestly, we could have learned this ourselves… read what you taught us through books, videos….”
I was taken aback and braced myself for what was to come…
Her: “It was who you are. We have never met anybody who was so comfortable… open talking about sex… so positive. It is who you are… seeing you made me realise it is possible to love sex… and that sex is important. It is who you are that made the biggest difference.”
Her husband agreed with her. Obviously what she said left a deep impact on me. I meditated on it. I reflected on it… for a long time… and I continue to ask this of myself periodically.
If who I am was what helps my clients the most… then am I doing my clients justice in being all that I can be? Am I actively working on myself? Am I monitoring my energy levels so I can be the personification of wellness, health, vitality, yummy, juicy and sex? Am I comfortable with/ in love with myself and my sexuality? Am I doing what I tell my clients to do? Am I who I want my clients to be? In short, do I embody what my clients to be?
Since the time with this client, I have worked on myself especially on sexual polarity, made friends with my feminine side, and explored the ways my feminine side loves being expressed. Being an expressed woman takes courage too because for so long women who dress up nicely can be called slutty, sexy, and cheap. Dressed nicely called attention to me – when I wanted to hide, keep my head down, and just ‘work’.
But I couldn’t just be another therapist who connected from the head – not after that one client. I had to.. and wanted to.. use every part of my life and being (including the way I dressed) to model for my clients (especially women) what a healthy, expressed, and balanced woman looked like. If I wanted to be truly effective, I needed to be the model for my clients where none existed – because none existed for me.
I would often tell myself this: “Martha… you said you were going to help people, well then… help them. Be brave!”
It was because of her and that one sentence, “It is who you are that made the biggest difference.”
#lifeislikethat #lifeofasexologist #walkthetalk #sexualhealing #cannotmakeitup
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About Dr. Martha Tara Lee
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice for more than 10 years, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore.
Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga, From Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.
