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Do you notice your “Why” or “How come” questions? Such as…
Why this happening?
Why is this happening again?
Why is this happening to me?
Why does this happen?
Why does this happen to me?
Why does this keep happening?
Why don’t I see this happening to others?
Why don’t I hear this happening to others?
Why don’t I know this happening to others?
Why doesn’t it happen to other people?
How come like this?
How come like that?
How come this always happens to me?
How come other people don’t…?
And most of all…
Why, why, why?
Why meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
When you find yourself asking yourself these sorts of questions often or all the time, and catch yourself doing so, ask yourself instead:
- How is asking these questions helping me?
- How are these questions making me feel?
- What would be useful to ask instead?
I used to (and probably still do) play victim. Victims blame others, everybody else, anybody else especially their loved ones for everything or anything (bad) but themselves. They are the last to take responsibility. This doesn’t solve anything on the long run.
People around you might help you to the extent they can – but when they see a pattern, they might begin to distance themselves from you (aka troublemaker). They won’t tell you in so many words that you’re unattractive, annoying, or repulsive. They just stone-wall, become busy, leave, or run away because they have better things to do! The less they say and do, the more respite for them.
I detested the victim in me, and games I played and for a long time, I didn’t know what to do about it. This is what I started to do: spend a lot of time alone as there is nobody to blame (haha!), work on healing myself, loving me, loving others, respecting others, blaming others less, catching myself when I blame others. And over time, it did get better.
Each time, I catch myself playing victim. I let myself play this ‘role’ for a time – and then parent myself to snap out of it. And I am able to step into my adult self more quickly now.
Being a good parent to yourself can mean:
- Letting yourself play victim (for a time)
- Letting yourself throw tantrums
- Being firm with yourself
- Being gentle with yourself
- Knowing when to be firm/ gentle with yourself
- Self soothing
- Self praise
- Celebrate your wins
We can parents ourselves where our parents didn’t or failed to. You get to decide when and how you’re ready to truly step into adulthood – and let victimhood take a smaller (and smaller) role in your life. Only you can decide to grow up! Where needed, get support. Let’s grow and evolve in ways that honor ourselves.
For relationship and sexuality coaching, hire me!
About Dr. Martha Tara Lee
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice for more than 10 years, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore.
Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga, From Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.
