In a previous blog post, I listed the nine lessons about relationships I learned from cats.

I missed out one!

I would be so bold as to state that this is the biggest lesson ever!

Read on to find out what!

This week (Sept 24 to Oct 1), I am on my fourth of four personal retreats in Bangsar, Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia. I don’t want you to miss any of the other articles I’ve written so far on this trip:

1. How my book came to be here.
2. How I overcame my fear of cats here.
3. How I rediscovered my love for the rain here.
4. Reflections on Emma Watson’s speech on the F-word here.
5. What’s in the grocery bag of an Eco-sexual here?
6. Find out why I cried on the bus on my way up to K.L. here.
7. Why I am on my 4th week-long retreat here.

The Biggest Lesson I Learned From One Cat

This is the second of two trips in which I am cat-sitting two cats in Kuala Lumpur. On my first night on my previous trip, Bangsar was already checking me out in the bedroom. Consequently, she was in heat and it was stressful being unsured of what was going on.

On Sept 26 (two days ago), I felt I had finally arrived. Bangsar, the naughtier and younger of two cats (the other being Padstow) laid on my lap, on her own accord, and fell asleep.

It was a tender moment which was repeated thrice more that day. It was so wonderful that I forgo my afternoon nap just so these magical moments would be prolonged. Bangsar looked totally relaxed and safe – orgasmic even – that I managed to take a few photos of her using my camera phone which I reshared on my posts.

Ever since, Bangsar didn’t repeat it even though I helpfully pointed to her my lap. I tried picking her up and putting her directly onto my lap, but she won’t stay.

The little one has a will of her, and force – of course, doesn’t work.

This is the closest she came to me today (Sept 28) – not quite on my lap:

So What’s The Point?

What am I getting at? Why I am talking about Bangsar again? What exactly is my point, you might be wondering?

This is the lesson.

Are you ready?

It’s a biggie.

We often try to replicate, duplicate, or repeat experiences because they were great.

It could have been a sweet, tender, or beautiful moment.

Or all of three – sweet, tender and beautiful.

Right?

Who wouldn’t want something have a feel-good again?

It’s only natural.

That’s precisely my point!

All of us do!

However that’s just it, isn’t it?

It was a sweet, tender, or beautiful moment.

It may never be repeated.

Never.

Yet we keep chasing those same moments.

We want them to be the same.

We get upset when they aren’t the same.

We ask ourselves why can’t they be the same.

And then there’s self-blame: What did I do wrong?

We cannot accept that things may never be the same.

We just can’t deal with thing being different.

Like a spoil brat, we don’t want to deal with different.

In trying to get Bangsar onto my lap again, I want more of the same.

Was I happy with what I experienced with her? Yes.

But my trying and failing to replicate the same experience left me frustrated, unhappy and questioning:

• How can it happen again? (Strategic/ Tactical)
• What am I doing wrong? (Self-blame)
• Doesn’t she like me anymore? (Poor me)

I couldn’t reconcile with what happened and what was unfolding.

I couldn’t accept. I couldn’t just let it be.

Relish the magic for what it was.

Move on.

Are You Guilty?

 

Have you said any of the below to yourself lately?

“It didn’t used to be like this.“

“I wish I could go back to the past when it was….“

“We used to have sex all the time.“

“Yeah, I guess the honeymoon period is over.“

“How can we get back more of that same feeling when we first started dating?“

What “used to” is exactly what it infers: In the past.

Whether it was fleeting, or went on for a time, it is… in the past.

The past is the past.

You can miss it…. long for it even.

You may even grieve over the loss.

But move on, we must.

Who is to say that different is bad or good – different may just be that… not the same?

Who knows that different can’t be good or great, if we are only open?

The fear of the new is so real, that often, we are the ones who get in our own way.

Only when I am willing to accept whatever experiences possible (or left of the remaining cat-sitting days) with Bangsar, can I have new and perhaps even better ones.

Only when my clients are able to acknowledge that their circumstances or relationship has shifted, and willing to work through their issues from where they are at rather than where they were can there be progress from such maturity.

Only when you are willing to see the “loss” of the past as something you had already “gained”, and have more to “gain” if you only open up and allow, then would you have accepted.

So this was the lesson I like to share with you: Allow. Accept. 

Once again, I’d like to invite you to view my posts:

1. How my book came to be here.
2. How I overcame my fear of cats here.
3. How I rediscovered my love for the rain here.
4. Reflections on Emma Watson’s speech on the F-word here.
5. What’s in the groceries bag of an Eco-sexual here?
6. Find out why I cried on the bus on my way up to K.L. here.
7. Why I am on my 4th week-long retreat here.

If you liked this post, please leave your comments on Facebook and Twitter and in the meantime, keep loving, live life fully and stay lovely!

Dr. Martha Tara Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. She is a certified sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality. She provides sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conducts sexual education workshops and speaks at public events. For more, visit www.ErosCoaching.com or email info@eroscoaching.com.