This piece first appeared on PublicHouse.sg

I facilitated a session which defined sex, sexuality and intimacy during SlutTalk, a fringe event under SlutWalk Singapore. It was the inspiration for an earlier piece on publichouse.sg with the same title here. After my session, I thought I was off-work, resumed my civilian status, and was easing into my seat. An undergraduate lady sitting next to me began small talk by first remarking that I look nothing like my namecard/ website/ media pictures. She next asked me if my work was difficult.

Take this in the context of two of my previous pieces, also on publichouse.sg – The Tribulations of a Sexologist Part 1 and Part 2, and you may recognise why I was completely lost for words.

How can I even begin to talk about how incredibly difficult my work was? There are days when I think only a fool would continue doing the work I do. So why do I still do it? Why would I want to deter her, possibly an aspiring sexologist (looking at me with those star-crossed eyes), to not pursue this career if she had the drive, desire and passion for it? How does one even know if another is right for this career? I certainly had no desire to dampen her ambitions or right to judge her suitability to be the next Dr Ruth of Singapore.

Finally I said, “Well, I won’t say it is easy. I do this work because there is nothing else I rather be doing.”

About a year ago, I remember a fellow sexologist asking in a forum if we should encourage people to pursue sexology as a career.

I responded: “The work that we do is incredibly difficult and often thankless. To me, it is a calling and I do it because I cannot see myself doing anything else. I cannot speak for other people.”

Indeed, why do we do what we do? How do we know what is the purpose of our lives? What is the reason you are here – or your higher calling? I like to zoom into the “Seventh Law: The Law of ‘Dharma’” or “Purpose in Life” in Deepak Chopra’s The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success.

In it, Chopra wrote:

“Everyone has a purpose in life… a unique gift or special talent to give to others. And when we blend this unique talent with service to others, we experience the ecstasy and exultation of our own spirit, which is the ultimate goal of all goals.”

According to Chopra: there are three components to this law, each of us is here:

1) To discover our true Self, to find out on our own that our true Self is spiritual, that essentially we are spiritual beings that have taken manifestation in physical form.

2) To express our unique talents. This means that there’s one thing you can do, and one way of doing it, that is better than anyone else on this entire planet.

3) To provide service to humanity – to serve your fellow human beings and to ask yourself the questions, “How can I help? How can I help all those that I come into contact with?”

The Law of Dharma happens when you combine the ability to express your unique talent with service to humanity.

People choose to see what they want to see: the media publicity must mean I am famous, that I am doing well, and that I am rich. Right… Being a sexologist allows me to be communicator, advocate, coach, teacher and healer all in one. It is a sum of everything I have studied in school, learned in life, and experienced as a human, woman, daughter and wife. My work is pure heart work, and is also hard work(!). It is the product of my desire to leave a legacy of people who are fearlessly living and embracing life fully behind.

Therefore, I am hard pressed to encourage or persuade anyone to be a sexologist. I am me, and you are you. Our journeys might well be different or similar. Either way, it is all good. It is more important that you find what makes your soul sing everyday, as being a sexologist does for me.

I leave you with this quote by Henry David Thoreau:

“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.”

Dr Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching in Singapore. She is a certified sexuality educator with AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists), as well as certified sexologist with ACS (American College of Sexologists). She holds a Doctorate in Human Sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality as well as certificates in practical counselling, life coaching and sex therapy. She is available to provide sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conduct sexual education workshops and speak at public events in Asia. For more, visit www.eroscoaching.com.