Losing It To The Wrong Person
This Isn’t How I Wanted It To Be

This will be the first time that I am going to tell this story. First, I am not proud of what had happened to me. I hated it and I felt that I became my parent’s shame; I stopped school and had cut all the connection that I had with my friends and classmates. After 10 years, I can now say that I am ready to reveal my story, not just because I have moved on but because I want others to learn from what had happened to me.

I was 17 and I was in high school – this is the time where all my classmates were beginning to have boyfriends and girlfriends. I on the other hand was still shy around boys and I can say that I am a little bit boyish too. Unlike my friends who had suitors, I didn’t have guys lurking around me. Maybe the reason is because I am a little bit chubby and they say that I have an intimidating attitude. Deep inside, insecurity fills me; I wanted to be wanted and to know the feeling of being courted. So then I met this guy, he was a transferee on our school and from what I have heard, he stopped school a year before because he eloped with one of the students and he got her pregnant.  To cut the story short, we became friends and he always wanted to accompany me in doing the groceries for my mom and he kind of courted me, before I knew it, he was my boyfriend. That was July of the year 2001 and of course he was the one to first introduce me with my sexuality. He brought me in the local cemetery and then he tried kissing and petting me. Of course my curiosity, thrill and being young has taken its toll on me and I was beginning to like what he was doing. I began to cut classes and everything he does excites me.

I was sickly and he often gives me “paracetamol”, well that is what he calls it though it didn’t came in a package, rather he just gives it to me. It’s white that has green specks on it and being innocent – I took it. Then came the situation that he wanted to elope with me – without any doubt I agreed. He said that I need to take money and jewelries from my home so we can start our life – I did. While he didn’t bring anything – saying that his parents worked hard for them. We went to another city and that night, we checked in a local hotel. I felt like it was a dream, we kissed, touched and played with each other. When he tried to insert it for the first time, the feeling was like a knife slowly cutting my vagina. It hurts that I cried, and while some stories say that after a few pumps that it will be okay? That is not true – we had sex 4 times and it still hurts. We found a very small and dirty apartment and we lived there, he actually enjoyed blowjobs but I didn’t. I felt like I was being forced to do it but I had no choice. I felt dirty, poor, ugly and hopeless. We had nothing to eat and I had rashes all over my body. The point came that I was hallucinating, having chills and high fever. Good thing I was able to contact my parents and they rescued me. I was hospitalized and was treated for pneumonia.

It hurts that that experience should have been special, not something that I can’t even talk about. It became something that I regretted and I hated, it came to the point that I wanted to erase that memory. Though, through the years I have learned that I would not be where I am now if that experience didn’t happen to me. I would not learn how important my family is, I won’t be able to meet my true friends and my now fiancé if it weren’t from that event.  So now, the lesson that I have learned is for us not to be too trusting, don’t take medicines if you don’t know what it is and do not to let our emotions get in the way and for whatever decision we would make, we should be able to deal it with and know the consequences.